i know i had 2 chances before and i broke it off cos of my immaturity and being naive not to see what i missed out on. it has been two years. we've been in other relationships. my recent bf, i finally escaped him. it took 5 months but i did it. why must i always find myself running back to him? my heart will always stay with him. my brain tells me that i shouldn't. im afraid of rejection. i would be oh-so joyful if we got back for the last time. i would make it worthwhile and never let him go. he's the best thing i had, and i stupidly let go of him. i need him.
we've known eachother for about 4 years now. i feel so comfortable around him. i can tell him anything. i've gained his trust. i know he's lost mine a while ago. i hope he forgives me for my stupid mistake. i miss him dearly. i talk to him everyday online. but i feel like absoulute shit when he rejects me. like when he doesn't want to talk on the phone, he'll make up an excuse. well, at least thats wat i think. if i know he doesn't want me, why can't i live without him? is it love? or am i just too young? all these questions i ponder.
on the negative side ; what if i open up to him on new years and get shut down. everytime i feel the slightest rejection, it causes a major impact on my hopes. does he even think theres a chance? has he even thought of it? does he even notice me? of course, we're friends and talking isn't awkward. but.. *shrugs*
on the positive ; what if everything i needed actually worked the way i wanted. i don't wanna come off as selfish. i want something that money can't buy. call me greedy but i just want him.. =(
maybe, i shouldn't go any further before i wreck a friendship. only awkwardness will occur if he didn't feel the same. i would like to pay my respects to his ex who passed away 2 weeks ago, who still had feelings for him. i would like to do her a favour even though we're god-knows how far apart. maybe if i did her a favour by not being with him, it'll make her happy? i didn't attend her funeral which i feel heaps guilty about, maybe the least i could do is let him go for her sake. maybe if she were alive, they'd be together.
but then again, no-one can control their feelings. not even i. as much as i'd like everything to just go with the flow, i get anxious. should i tell him? should i not? might sound cliche, but the last thing i think of before i go to sleep is him. how sweet it would be if we were together. but, i can't keep my hopes up. if i burn and come crashing down, it'll be harder to get back up.
words of a confused child.
<3 tien
